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Parenting Teens Just got Easier

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For past issues of Parenting Teens Just Got Easier, go here.

Now an issue of Parenting Teens Just Got Easier:

Are you Practicing Your Parental Rights?

"Do Kids Have Too Much Power? Yes, say many parents. And now they're moving to regain control," shouts a recent cover article for Time magazine. Eighty percent of the people polled in their survey thought that kids today are more spoiled than in previous generations. Two-thirds of the parents even admitted to spoiling their kid. We have been over indulging our children.

Teens themselves admit they are spoiled. "I know I have a lot and I am growing up privileged. My parents constantly remind me of that. They tell me how spoiled I am, but they are the ones giving me all this stuff," claimed a junior in high school in his counseling session.

Consumerism isn't the only way we excessively indulge our children. It also comes in a subtler form when parents cave in to their children's demands or fail to insist that they take responsibility for their own decisions. "I hate you mom, but first give me $10 for the movies."

"Yes, dear, whatever will make you happy."

Sound the alarm. When did it become fashionable for parents not to say NO? And when did we start replacing relationships with things? Parents, we have a job to do.

Kids need solid guidance from their parents. This gives them the support they need to cultivate integrity and sound character. Youth with a well-developed inner muscle of strong values and core beliefs are less likely to engage in risky behaviors, such as drug and alcohol use, teen violence, and pre-mature sexual activity. As a result, they are more likely to enjoy physical and emotional health, and this is key to helping teens make positive decisions in their lives that will lead to their personal success and happiness, first as young adults and later as mature adults.

How do you raise a respectful and responsible kid in an age of affluence? By practicing your parental rights.

Okay parents, listen up. I'm going to share with you two basic rights you have as the parent. There are more, but these are essential. The interesting thing is that these are the same rights that teens want. So if you are unable to uphold these for yourself, then you certainly will not be able to do it for your teenager. And that could have dangerous consequences.

Two important "Parental Rights" you have. Simply put, you have the right to say no and the right to be treated with respect. Once you claim them for yourself they will permeate within your family.

Parents have the right to say NO. You are not your daughter's slave. It is not in your job description to constantly serve your son. It is okay to say NO to their requests, especially if they are not being appreciative or are taking you for granted.

If your daughter shouts out that she hates you, then asks for ten bucks to go out and have fun with her friends, remember that this is not something you owe her. This is a favor. And you have the right to say NO to a favor.

The Bayards, authors of How To Deal With Your Acting Out Teenager, write: "…notice whether you feel that you have to say yes, or if your first impulse is to jump to take care of the request, without first considering whether you want to or not. If you're doing this, you probably feel that it's your job to wait on your kid, and your kid may feel that it is his or her right to be waited on."

When we feel like the relationship with our teen is going well, we tend to say yes. However, when it isn't, we tend to build resentment and feel as if we are being treated disrespectfully.

Parents have the right to be treated with respect. Saying no teaches our kids the ability to delay gratification. But we have to be willing to put up with the heat that comes with saying no. This is where respect comes in.

When you respect your authority you are less likely to tolerate on-going badgering from your teen. When your personal boundaries are being stepped on or over, you need to take a different course of action. Rather than negotiating with your teen about why you are saying no, you might make a stronger statement and then walk away. End of discussion. Period.

Many parents fall into the trap of believing they can talk sense with their teen. No way. Michael Bradley, author of Yes, Your Teen is Crazy and a leading psychologist on brain research, argues that teens are basically, well, nuts. The most advanced parts of the brain, he says, are not completely developed until after adolescence is nearly over. He suggests that parents respond to teens like "dispassionate cops." Even when our teens are behaving outrageously he invites us to teach by remaining calm. This is respectful. And we are relating to teens on a developmentally appropriate level.

If we want to be treated with respect, we must model respectful behavior even in the midst of chaos. And don't forget to practice your parental right to say no.

For past issues of Parenting Teens Just Got Easier, go here.