Parenting Articles

"Parenting Just Got Easier"

Ten Things a Teen Will Never Say

How to Handle Conflict Between You and Your Teen

Giving our Kids the Gift That Will Last a Lifetime

Dealing With Your Child's Outrageous Emotions

A Parenting Poem

Mom, Dad - It's Time to Think Seriously About Consequential Parenting

Are These the Reasons Why Your Teen is Talking to You Less?

How to Communicate Much Better With Your Teen

Four Keys For Improving Communications With Your Teen

You Can Positively Influence Your Child's Sexual Behavior

 

10 Things a Teen Will Never Say

For the past eleven summers we have vacationed with our family friends, the Roys, and their four kids. Last week we packed up our two families again - now six teenagers in all - and headed out to Bass Lake, near Yosemite National Park in California. We craved a week of rest and relaxation.

Family Vacations with Teenagers

As the kids have gotten older, these summer vacations have taken on new twists and turns. Now, with teenagers, the complaints begin early about not wanting to go. Sometimes, it is just plain draining dealing with their emotional resistance about going.

The fundamental argument is that it is going to be boring and there will be nothing to do. They would prefer to either: 1) stay home with their friends, or better yet 2) save the money that we would "waste" on the vacation and buy them a computer or put the money toward a new car for them. But because we know that sometime in the distant future they will look back on these trips with good memories, we insist that

they attend, and we try to make the vacations as kid-friendly as possible.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

At the Lake, we did some fun stuff: boating, water-skiing, tubing and swimming. We even rented a jet-ski one afternoon, and we played a lot of pool back at the house. Despite all the grumbling and complaints we all had a good time, but some teens will never let on.

While in the Bass Lake gift shop Patt spied something that she just had to buy. It was a wooden plaque, a very tacky plaque, and on it were written the words: "10 Things a Teenager Will Never Say."

Keeping a Sense of Humor

That evening, as we were finishing up dinner (often it is at these moments when the kids hang around and we have some great conversations) Patt brought out the wooden plaque and began reading the list.

10 Things A Teenager Will Never Say:

1. Can I go to bed early?

2. I need some advice.

3. You guys relax and let me do the dishes.

4. We don't need the car -- we're walking.

5. Pizza sucks!

6. Can I help with anything?

7. Is my music too loud?

8. Enough MTV, let's watch 60 minutes.

9. Keep my allowance; you've got too many bills.

10. I don't want a cell phone!

We had a good laugh. The teens, without missing a beat, whipped off their list.

11 Things a Parent Will Never Say to Their Teen:

1. Let's go get matching tattoos.

2. Here, take the keys to the car.

3. Not enough of your boxers are showing; your pants need to hang lower.

4. Son, you're curfew is 4 a.m. Why are you home so early?

5. Here's $100. Go have a good time with your friends.

6. Go ahead, sleep in til 3 in the afternoon. I'll do your chores for you.

7. Why don't you stay home from school today?

8. You don't have to get a job; I'll give you money.

9. Why don't you guys make a little more noise?

10. That brand new car outside is yours.

11. You haven't had enough time on the computer yet.

Family vacations can become problematic as kids get older. Teens are often more reluctant to spend time with family. One way to ease this problem is to join with another family with kids of similar ages or let the kids bring along a friend.

It's a Temporary Stage, So Hang-in-there.

Last summer our family went to Hawaii for a week. We brought one of the boy's friends with us. We called him "The Buffer." It helped, but one of the most difficult evenings was when we attended a Luau. Our boys were sour-faced, cross-armed, and complaining the whole evening. They sat stone-cold silent throughout the entertainment. We knew that they hated the evening. We had a hard time enjoying ourselves with their negative attitudes. Both of us were thinking, "Ching-ching, we paid seventy-five bucks a person for this Hawaiian experience!"

A week after we returned they sat with some buddies talking about our trip. They both agreed that the best part of the trip was the Luau! Go figure.

So, Parents, balance out the lists. Add a number eleven to your list of Things Teenagers Will Never Say. Let it read: I can't wait until our next family trip. I really enjoy going on vacations with my parents.

How to Handle Conflict Between You and Your Teen

Conflict between parent and child is inevitable, especially during the adolescent years. When we come home from work or a busy day the last thing we want to experience is tension or a power struggle between our child and us. What we crave is a peaceful and harmonious home. Our relationships determine that harmony.

Being in sync results from assertively resolving tensions, problems, and disagreements, instead of submissively withdrawing or letting things slide. Parents who dodge issues and do not address conflict will not create true peace and harmony in their homes, or in their relationships. This is a common mistake parents make. Avoidance does not create inner peace.

To handle conflict parents need to work with the tensions and challenges to produce their resolution. In other words, work through the barriers to new results.

Difficult issues involving uncomfortable feelings arise in all relationships. In the parent-child relationship, working them out may bring you to deeper levels of understanding. This is a win-win. Understanding and compassion creates a peace-filled home. Remember, ill feelings only become destructive if you persist in not dealing with them.

Removing the Plank From Your Eye

At a recent seminar an older couple judgmentally announced to the group that what was wrong with parents these days is that they are too lenient, that kids are ruling the roost, and that parents need to take more of a stand. In other words, be tougher. What they were implying is that they didn't have this problem. Their kids knew who the parent was in their family.

I wanted to jump up and shout, "Well, let me tell you that a lack of conflict did not mean that there was true harmony in your house!"

But I didn't.

Underlying, unexpressed emotions can harm a relationship between parent and child. These grandparents are now raising their daughter's children because the state had to remove the kids from the house.

Facing the Music

Harmonizing is not the same as surrendering, becoming passive, or over-compromising. Retreating and withdrawing just stirs up the pot more. It doesn't help settle it.

The other night while watching the pair's figure skating competition for the Winter Olympics, I was reminded of the Olympics held in the early sixties. It was the medals round, and the Russians were a few minutes into their program when the music stopped playing! Instead of panicking, giving up, throwing their hands up in frustration, or resorting to blame this couple just continued to skate. They skated as if the music was still playing.

In our parenting, how many times have we been thrown off by the unexpected? An angry outburst - foul language - distrustful behavior - a son who comes in past curfew - a daughter not caring about her grades - or maybe even an unexpected pregnancy.

Skate As If The Music Was Still Playing

Like the Russian skaters, we are also invited to learn and grow from the unexpected challenges of life. When your child's behavior or choices throw you off, I wonder what difference it would make if you skated WITH the challenge rather than entering into conflict. Our deeper wisdom emerges when we are able to move through the challenges instead of ignoring the problem or creating more drama.

Assess what tension exists with your child at this time. I encourage you to use all the stuff of tension and conflict as material to "skate with" and choose communication and connection over devastation and destruction.

By the way, this Olympic couple won the gold.

Giving our Kids the Gift That Will Last a Lifetime

I'll let you in on a secret. Even parenting experts have trouble with their teenagers.

Steve and I are outnumbered in our family. We have three teens in our home. And this past weekend was one of those no good, very bad parenting weekends. Our oldest teenager would not stop bullying his younger brother even after being told over and over to stop. Another one complained that I was not a good mom because I'm not getting him his own cell phone like "every kid at school has." And when we went to put up our Christmas tree only one of the three teenagers wanted to participate in this ritual we have been doing since - forever!

"I would rather go out with MY FRIENDS than be stuck at home with you!"

Oh, boy. I felt like a total failure as a parent.

Now, I know my kids don't hold the patent on this type of behavior. In the past month I've heard the same story from seven different parents. But even knowing that I'm not alone didn't help my holiday spirit. I was angry, frustrated, and hurt.

Seeing Red This Holiday

This is the season of gift giving. But, what I wanted to "give" was a boot in someone's bottom! I don't think that I'm in the right spirit of giving yet. However, I do believe there is a lesson of Spirit in heated moments like these.

Celebrating The Light

Historically, this is the season to celebrate light. Indigenous cultures had festivals celebrating our earth's seasonal changes and the coming of light. In the Jewish tradition Hanukah celebrates the Temple's sanctuary lamp miraculously staying lit for seven days. In the Christian faith Christmas celebrates the coming of Christ as the light of the world.

A Change Of Heart

In heated moments we sometimes see fire instead of light. It is in these trying times when we need to invite our hearts to change. We are able to move through our anger when we acknowledge the deeper fear that we hold…maybe a fear that we have somehow failed in our parenting. Feeling this sadness and grieving the disappointment calls forth a healing. With a changed heart we are able to see the light in the very soul of our child. Without an open heart it can be tricky to separate the behavior from the person, to separate what our teenager does from who he or she is as a person.

The Gift of Recognition

Giving the gift of recognition helps parents see past the selfish behavior and see the kid whom we love. To transform pain into wholeness we need both a change of heart and recognition. We need to recognize our child as well as ourselves.

Recognition honors individuals -- for their successes, hard work, strengths and human flaws. Recognition acknowledges our human struggles and growing pains. The following are three ways we can guide ourselves back to seeing the light in each of our children.

Light a Spark of Love

Say, "I love you." Somehow, we forget to say this to our teens. Yet they need to hear these word. Our kids may brush us off and pretend that it does not matter. But deep inside it lights a fire and helps them see how special they are.

Witness Your Teen's Inner Light

Recognize your teen by accepting him for who he is rather than for what you may need or want him to be. This is extremely difficult for some parents, but when we see the light inside our children we witness what gives them energy.

Denise Roy, my good friend, author of "My Monastery Is a Minivan: 35 Stories from a Real Life" (Loyola, 2001), and owner of http://www.FamilySpirit.com brings to light how important it is to encourage your child's dreams. Roy observes that a child's creativity and dreams are often stifled because of a parent's well-intentioned criticism.

Parents fail to listen to who their child is and they miss the importance of developing their child's dream. Denise writes:

"One important way to nurture your children's gifts is to nurture your own gifts. Are you modeling for your kids the importance of doing things you love? Or have you let go of your own dreams? How much passion do you bring to your work, or to a hobby? Are you doing your life purpose -- what it is that you were born to do?"

Give a Gift From the Heart

Gift your teen with a love letter. Express your love in a card. Affirm your child's favorable characteristics; tell her what you appreciate. Share what you like about her. Mirror her beauty. Be optimistic and focus on strengths. Tell her what a gift she has been in your life and what she means to you. Acknowledge areas of growth you've caught a glimpse of.

During this Season of Light give a gift from your heart. Remember that your adolescent is a light-being, lovable and worthwhile.

To teach our teenager to be respectful we need to model respectful behavior. We do this when we give the gift of recognition. In fact the word respect comes from the Latin word respectare, which means, to look at again. When we look at our teenager the first time, we might see his ungrateful behavior, his sense of entitlement, his disrespect. But when we model respect, we look again. This time we see his inner light and beauty.

So take a long, slow, deep breath, light a candle, and give your adolescent and yourself a special gift this holiday season, one that will last a lifetime. Give the gift of Light and Love.

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Dealing With Your Child's Outrageous Emotions

When your teen expresses a charged emotion like resentment, anger, blame, hurt, sadness, or fear, how do you typically respond?

If you react, instead of act, you might automatically pull away, get angry, or attempt to use logic or reason. Some parents want to make it all better by attempting to fix it. Others take on their child's feelings. Still others punish their adolescent.

How Do You Respond?

Jason grumbles to his dad about how much he has to study and how stressed out he is from his schoolwork. His father jumps in and tries to fix his son's frustration by demanding he work harder and spend less time on the phone and computer.

Tina responds to her daughter's complaints about feeling fat and ugly by countering her criticisms with compliments. "You look beautiful just the way you are. Your body is perfect. What are you complaining about?"

Reacting

None of these responses really works, for you or for your child. But you have probably already figured this out. So, I invite you to do something different.

Something That Works Far Better

Whenever your children try to communicate how they feel, no matter how frustrating, demanding, or difficult it may be for you -- simply witness what they have to say.

That's right. Listen to them. Have an open, heart to heart conversation.

Let them experience your presence as a safety container to feel and express whatever comes up. Keeping your attention on what they are saying rather than on preparing a response, provides support for them to let go of negative, bottled up emotions.

Research suggests a relationship between physical illness and pent-up emotions. Listening with compassion can profoundly transform a situation beyond our imagination.

Deep Listening

When we are compassionate listeners we experience a resonance with those we are listening to. To witness another person is to be available, dependable, and compassionate. Deep listening is to search for an understanding. It calls us to be non-judgmental. Kids need and appreciate parents to stay clear, centered, and available.

Last Sunday, Linda and her mother were up until two a.m. It started out as an augment because she came home past curfew. Instead of immediately grounding her, Theresa listened to what her daughter had to say. Linda appreciated her mom's ability to stay in the present and to hear her out. What emerged was reconciliation.

Practice

If you find yourself having difficulty with listening, then step back for a moment and clear your mind of the judgment you hold. Remember to breathe. Imagine your heart reconnecting with this child. Judgment separates us from others. Draw yourself back to witnessing your child by opening your heart.

Do not make the mistake of taking in what they say personally. Your role is to listen and to allow them to release their feelings. It may be valuable to remind yourself that these feelings may be deep and old and not at all about you. Trying to fix or change the way they feel only disrupts their healing process.

Follow That Star

In those particularly dark and difficult moments of being present to your child it may be helpful to imagine they are a brilliant star in the crisp evening sky. Yes, they are your dazzling star, but in this moment you do not see them. Remember that stars are always there, and we are not able to witness them when there is light contamination. When the pollution of your anger, fears, or tears has lifted, you will be able to witness his or her brilliance again.

Stars are present even when we cannot observe them with our naked eye.

Creating a safety container for your teen to talk freely and allowing deeper feelings, fears or tears to emerge is a crucial first step toward greater emotional growth and healing. Give your young person the profound gift of deep listening and embrace the illumination and love of your shinning star.

It is a gift that will last a lifetime.

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Parenting
Author Unknown

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first and the house later.

I'd finger-paint more and
Point the finger less.

I would do less correcting, and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch,

And I'd watch with my eyes.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites,

And I'd stop playing serious,
And I would seriously play.

I would run through more fields
And gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging,
And I'd do less tugging.

I'd see the oak tress and acorn far more often.

I would be firm less often,
And affirm much more.

I'd model less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.

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Mom, Dad - It's Time to Think Seriously About Consequential Parenting

We have all been touched deeply by the tragic events of September 11 and the recent disaster from Flight 587. Life is fragile and we are being invited to live a more meaningful life.

Our longing for achievement and contentment often depend on the ability to make important decisions. But I don't think it is always so easy to decide on the best course of action to take.

A choice you make today about your responsibilities as a mother or father - how you spend your time to balance work and home duties - has consequences that extend well into the future.

Consequential parenting is the ability to evaluate what impact your actions today might have in the future. In other words - thinking consciously about how to invest your time and energy now with your sons and daughters.

Are You Making This Mistake Too?

"What is one thing that you wish your father had done differently in parenting you?" Forty-seven graduating seniors were recently asked to put pen to paper and answer this question. Fifty-two percent of the students mentioned time as what they wanted most from their fathers.

Their responses included: I wish that my dad had been home more often and not always traveling. I wish that he had spent more time with me, come to more of my volleyball games, been at work less and at home more. I wish that he had spent more one-on-one time doing things with just him and me. I'm hurt that he was not interested in me and he was too preoccupied with his career.

The message is clear. Teenagers want their dads to spend more time with them. Fathers, listen up. Your child wants to be with you.

Time is on Your Side - Yes It Is

Kids will rarely tell you out-right that they want to spend time with you. Many parents presume that teens don't want to be with them. So they act on their assumptions and stop including them.

All kids, even older teens, need and want time with their parents. While it is true that most teens' first choice would probably be their friends over family, this doesn't mean they don't want to spend time with their parents any more. They just don't want to do the same things that they did when they were younger.

John, a high school freshman, refuses to go to the movie theater with his dad. "Dad, nobody goes to the movies with their parents." But I'll bet he wouldn't refuse to go out for pizza or a ball game with you.

Join in With What They Enjoy Doing

Consider what interests your son or daughter and take time doing what they enjoy. It might be spending an afternoon riding your mountain bikes, going to a basketball game, hiking, going out for hamburgers, skiing together, attending your daughter's swim meet, working on your teen's car, watching your son play hockey. Time in your child's company is what nurtures a promising relationship.

Be Present to Opportunity

An advantage of spending time with your child is that you will be creating an opportunity for conversation to happen. Most parents find that as their teen gets older, s/he begins to talk less. But spending time together creates the space for conversations. You will no longer need to squeeze information out by having to ask questions. Teens do not like to communicate on demand. The right moment has to be there for them to start talking.

Alex went on his eighth grade trip to Washington, DC. When asked about the trip he shared very little. A month later, as the family was watching a video, there was a scene of the Viet Nam Memorial. "Hey," he shot out. You could hear the excitement in his voice. "I saw that when I went on my DC trip!" He then proceeded to dialogue about his experience. It wasn't the best timing because the movie was interrupted, but his parents listened and did not miss the opportunity. Spending time - in this case watching a video together - created the opening for spontaneous sharing.

Many parents are too busy to make the time to spend with their child. Working too much and addiction to the Internet can be easy distractions from family life. Parents tell themselves, "Later. I'll do it later." Well, let me tell you something, it's later than you think.

Do It Now

Make a commitment to spend more time with your child. It is never too late to start. Debbie takes one of her kids out of school each Thursday during their lunch hour and treats them to their favorite fast-food restaurant. Simple bonding and the kids look forward to it.

Pay close attention to this part. We need to make it a priority to spend alone time with each of our kids. There is no more valuable gift that we can give them.

The Gift of a Life Time

Although we can be seduced into thinking that our teens don't want to be with us, they definitely value the time we do spend together. When we want to be with them they get the message they are worthwhile, because they are worth a while of our time.

Give your kids the gift they truly need - your time. And you'll find your teen echoing the words of this graduating senior, "Dad, my life would be drastically different had you not been there for me. Thank you for all the discussions we had - no matter how pointless or unimportant they may have seemed to you. I'm glad you're my dad."

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Are These the Reasons Why Your Teen is Talking to You Less?

"Help! What's happening? My fifteen-year-old isn't talking to me anymore! We used to share all the time. Now, I get little more than a grunt out of him. I don't know what's going on. Is he trying to hide something from me?"

If this sounds familiar to you - you are not alone. Many parents report that almost overnight their child changes. Out of the blue, their kid is moody, rude and disrespectful, and they find themselves in continuous conflict with him. He's giving them less information than they want and need, leaving them anxious, frustrated, and angry.

Parenting through the adolescent years can be demanding at times. Our kids are changing fast. Testing and pushing the limits are part of a teen's job description - this is what growing up is all about. Often parents are thrown off by the new parenting challenges.

Is My Kid Normal?

Young people talk less to parents during adolescence because it is a normal part of development. Teens are in the process of moving toward independence. To do this they need to temporarily move away from mom and dad. It's called differentiating. Talking less is a normal component of this transition. One author wrote that when a boy reaches adolescence, he goes into his room, shuts the door, cranks up the stereo, and comes out five years later. If your son or daughter wants to be alone more and spend less time with family and more with friends - this isn't necessarily something to worry about.

Is This How You Respond?

Some teens talk less to their parents because when they do share, they are criticized for what they have to say. Anne, a high school junior, recalled,? "I was telling my mom about how I was worried for Ashley because she got drunk at the party and all of a sudden my mom started yelling at me to stay away from her. She said Ashley was a bad influence on me and that she never liked her anyway. I stopped talking to her when she started disapproving of me and giving me a lecture."

How you respond to your child will let her know if it okay to sharewith you or not. Your reaction sends an unspoken message. If you are willing to pay attention without interruption, keep your emotions intact, listen with compassion and non-judgmentally, then the chances are good that your kid will come to you more often and share. You do not have to agree with what is being said; the key here is to listen non-judgmentally. This can be extremely challenging at times; especially when it is a topic we feel strongly about and we are afraid our teen is going in the wrong direction.

How Do You Get Information?

When your teenager talks to you, do you barrage him with questions? It is common for parents to ask questions. We inquire because we wantto know what is going on and to be involved, but teens feel like they are being given the third degree so they get angry, defensive, or withdraw.

Margo promised her son that for the following week she wouldn't askhim so many questions. She assured him that this didn't mean she wasn't interested in what was going on. She obviously cared about him. He was doubtful, but agreed. Within two days he began sharing more with her than when she tried asking so many questions.

Evaluate Your Conversations

A lot of teens rarely open up to their parents because few parents reveal their own life experiences. Oh sure, parents know how to give the sermons and talk at their kids, but how many really share with their kids. Some moms and dads are afraid to be honest about their past. They think that sharing about what they did will give permission for their child to do the same. Nope, not true. We can't tell our offspring how to live; they need to find out for themselves. Kids will make their own decisions and their own mistakes, but as parents model self-disclosure this invites teens to feel safe and comfortable about sharing what is going on in their lives.

Invite Change

As you make healthy changes in how you communicate with your teen, it will automatically shift your relationship for the better. By acknowledging what are normal teenage behaviors, practicing good listening skills, dialoguing and sharing realistically about life's struggles and joys, you will be well on your way to building an influential and lasting relationship with your transforming young adult.

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How to Communicate Much Better With Your Teenager

Steve Saso, M.Div.
Patt Saso, MFCC

"Why doesn't my teen talk to me anymore?" This is a common question we are asked at our seminars. Communicating with your teenager is more than just knowing the right techniques. It is a part of the larger relationship that you have with your teenager. And the foundation for any loving relationship is -- respect.

We show respect for our teenagers by taking their concerns seriously, by showing them that we care by spending time with them, by listening to them, by treating them with equal dignity and worth as human beings. All members of a family are equal in dignity, but not all are equal in authority. It is the parent's responsibility to love, guide, teach, and set limits. Within this framework, teenagers are given a say and are listened to with love, care, and respect.

Five common ways teens experience disrespect from their parents:

Name-calling and put downs: You're such a lazy kid.

Comparisons: Why can't you get the kind of grades that your brother gets?

Belittling comments: What do you know about that? You're just a kid.

Guilt trips: We spend so much money on you, and this is the thanks we get?

Harsh criticism and judgments: That's a stupid thing to say.

Respect is the Key

Respect is the foundation of all human relationships, whether it is husband-wife, employer- employee, worker-coworker, or parent-child. It is the most critical element in building a solid, loving relationship with our teenager. Teens need and want our respect, and the best way to invite them to respect us is by showing respect to them.

Why Doesn't My Son Talk to Me Anymore?

This is a common question that parents ask me. Why doesn't my teenager talk to me as much as he used to? We had such a good relationship when he was in grammar school. We would talk all the time. Now I hardly get anything but a grunt out of him. Am I doing something wrong?

There are four common reasons why many children talk less to their parents during the teenage years. The first is that it is part of the normal development of adolescence. Young people are in the process of moving toward independence. To do this they need to temporarily move away from their parents. Talking less to their parents is a normal part of this transition. One author wrote that when a boy reaches adolescence, he goes into his room, shuts the door, cranks up the stereo, and comes out five years later. If your son or daughter is more private, wants to be alone more, spends more time with friends than with family - this is not necessarily something to worry about. However, excessive behavior along these lines may be an indication of a problem, as discussed in other sections of this handbook.

The second reason why many teens are talking less to their parents is because when they do talk to us, we sometimes criticize what they have to say. One Junior in high school told me that he didn't tell his mother anything because she always finds something wrong with what I have to say.

Suppose your son tells you that he has been discussing abortion in Morality class. He says, You know, Dad, I don't really see anything wrong with abortion. After all, it's not a real person yet, and the woman has a right to decide what to do with her own body. Your response to this comment will determine how safe and comfortable he will feel sharing with you in the future. You do not have to agree with him; the key here is to listen non-judgmentally.

The third reason why there is often less communication between parent and child during the teenage years is because sometimes when our teenagers do talk to us, we often barrage them with questions. It is common for parents to ask questions. We ask questions because we want to be involved, but teens may feel that they are being put on the spot and may withdraw.

For example, your son tells you that the school mixer last night was pretty fun. Then you ask: Were there many girls there? Who did you dance with? Where did you go after the dance? After the next mixer your son may be inclined to say nothing about the dance at all. If asked,  How was the dance? His answer may be, Fine.

A fourth reason why many teens talk less to their parents is that very few parents share their own life experiences with their teenagers. The teenager has no model for the kind of open and honest communication that parents want. My parents never told me about themselves, about their histories, or about their present joys or struggles with life. And I didn't have a very good relationship with them until adulthood. When I began modeling self-disclosure they opened up too.

As parents model self-disclosure this invites teens to feel more comfortable and safe sharing their own experiences. You'll be surprised how disclosure will improve your relationship with your teen.

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Four Keys for Improving Communication with Your Teenager

One: Listen Respectfully to Your Teenager

If you want to develop open communication with your teenager, be a respectful listener. It's as simple (and as difficult) as: Stop, Look, and Listen. Stop what you are doing and pay full attention to what your son or daughter is saying. Some parents have the tendency to listen with half an ear while their teenagers are talking. They may be half listening while reading the newspaper, watching TV, or thinking about the day's events. This conveys the message that they really are not interested in their child.

So often we hear our teens, but we don't really listen to them. To listen respectfully is to see the world from their perspective and to understand their point of view. To listen respectfully is to let them have their say, without interrupting. To listen respectfully is to refrain from being critical or judgmental. Parents certainly have the responsibility to teach and to share values and to set limits. We can do these things while respecting and fully listening to our teenagers' thoughts, experiences and opinions.

Good listening is empathic. It conveys understanding of what has been said and recognizes the feelings, both overt and covert, of the speaker. If your freshman son is cut from the football team, an empathic response is: You must feel disappointed that you didn't make the team. I know how much you were looking forward to playing football this year. A more typical, but less helpful response might be: It's OK, Michael. There are other activities that you can get involved in at school.  Don't worry about it. Such a response reflects your desire to make your son feel better, but it does not let Michael know that you recognize and understand his disappointment.

Respectful listening is non-judgmental. It accepts what is being said without criticism. This does not mean that you necessarily agree with what your son or daughter is saying. It simply means that you are respecting your teenager's right to his or her own thoughts, views, and opinions.

EXAMPLE: One fourteen-year-old told his father that he was thinking about joining the National Rifle Association. The father remained silent while the teen spoke at length about his idea. Then the boy said, What do you think, Dad? The father replied that he personally did not agree with some of the attitudes expressed by the NRA, but that if his son was interested in the organization, that he should check it out. This gave his son the freedom to explore the idea without experiencing it as a way of rebelling against his father's wishes.

Two: Make Statements Rather Than Ask Questions.

Teenagers hate being asked a lot of questions. They absolutely hate it! Now, the reason we parents ask questions is to find out a little bit about what is happening in our teens' lives. But this is not an effective method to accomplish this goal. When we ask a question, often the answer is a monosyllabic reply, or worse yet, a grunt or a moan. In short, questioning doesn't work. We don't get any information; what we get is a kid who feels annoyed and bugged by our questions. So this in fact decreases communication.

One question especially to avoid is, How was school today? or its derivative, What did you do in school today? The answer will invariably be: Nothing. My freshmen students have told me over and over again that they hate when their parents ask them this question.

So what might you say? The best suggestion is not to ask direct questions about school, but rather wait for the time when your son or daughter spontaneously brings up what is going on in Algebra or what they discussed in history classe or what the coach said at practice last Tuesday. For this to happen, of course, you will need to spend time with your teenager. Lots of time. (See suggestion number four.)

Instead of asking questions, try making statements. Comment on what you observe or what you sense to be true about your son's situation. For example: It seems that you are enjoying your time at Bellarmine. Or: I can see that speech and debate is really bringing out a special part of you. Or: It seems that the work during junior year is a lot harder than in previous years. In this way you are offering an open-ended opportunity for a response from your son. If he decides not to respond, so be it. But often, comments like this will bring a response.

EXAMPLE: A parent attending one of our parenting classes decided to try an experiment. Instead of asking questions she decided to try making observational and interactive statements. She told her son that she had learned that teenagers don't like being asked a lot of questions. Then she said that she would ask fewer questions if he would understand that this didn't mean that she was uninterested in what he was doing. When he felt like talking to her, she would be open and interested in what he had to say. At the following week's class she reported that during that week she had more conversation with her son than she had ever had, and she asked fewer questions than ever before.

Three: Share your own experiences

It is a psychological truism that self-disclosure begets self-disclosure. If we want our teens to talk to us about their lives and concerns, we would be wise to share with them about our lives and concerns. I am not talking about the When-I-was-your-age sort of sharing that lets our kids know how easy they have it today and how hard we had it... When I was your age, I walked to school . . . I had to work on Saturdays . . . We didn't have computer games . I am talking about a sharing that reveals to our kids who we are as human beings: our past histories, our life experiences, our hopes and fears and joys. Sharing our experiences removes us from our role as parent, and allows our teenagers to see us as people who share the same life experiences.

EXAMPLE: A mother who attended one of our workshops reported the following incident. She shared with her son how, as a teenager, she always felt insecure around guys. She told her son: When I was in high school, I was really shy around boys. I always felt insecure around them. Often the guy that I liked as a boyfriend didn't like me. It was really painful for me. The son was amazed. It was hard to imagine that his mother could have gone through the same insecurities and doubts about the opposite sex as he experienced. This self-disclosure by his mother gave the teenager the opportunity to talk about his shyness and insecurity around girls. He didn't feel so alone and so different.  This led to a wonderful sharing and a deeper bond between the mother and her son.

Four: Spend Time With Your Teenager

Because of the economic pressures of life today, many parents choose to work long hours, limiting the time spent with their children. In many families both parents are in the workforce. In this context, it has become fashionable to talk about spending quality time with the kids. The problem with this is that children need lots of time with parents, and in most cases quality time is just not enough. Several studies show that the average father spends about 13 minutes a week talking with his teenager. The average family eats dinner together once every two weeks. No wonder there is a problem with parent-teen communication. To nurture communication, we must nurture the relationship with our kids. To nurture the relationship, we must spend time with them. We must spend quantity time. There is no substitute.

Although they might not admit it, teenagers want us to spend time with them. They want us to support them in their activities, attend their plays, go to their games, go out for pizza, go to the movies, play together. While we are spending time together, our teenagers have the leisure and the opportunity to talk to us about what is going on in their lives. No one wants to communicate on demand, neither adults nor teens. When we spend time with our kids and build relationships, conversations spontaneously happen, and we learn more about our teenagers than we would learn by asking What did you do in school today?

EXAMPLE: My pre-pubescent son attended a field trip last year with his class. They spent the night on a sailing vessel in the San Francisco Bay. When he returned home, I asked him how he liked the field trip. He said, Fine. I said, What did you do? His answer, Nothing. I was a bit frustrated, but I let it go. About a week later, we were shooting baskets in the front yard, and totally out of the blue, he said, I wouldn't ever want to be a sailor. Sailing is hard work. I commented, Sounds like they worked you hard on that ship (observation/statement). Then he proceeded to tell me more about the field trip and some of his experiences.

Parents who have not established a pattern of spending time with their children find that when their kids become teens, they no longer want to spend time with their parents. They would rather hang out with their friends. This is partly due to the increasing peer influence of the adolescent years. But more than this, it is a factor of feeling uninvolved, unimportant and unaccepted by their parents.

One parenting expert says that if we want to show our kids that they are worthwhile, we have to spend a while with them. As we spend time with our teenagers and get to know them, we build a lasting relationship. Time spent together allows for us to share our experiences and listen as they share theirs. As the relationship with our teen grows and deepens, so does the respectful communication.

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You Can Positively Influence Kid's Sexual Behavior  

From Saso Seminars' tape: How to Talk To Your Kids About Responsible Sexuality

Hundreds of times this week your children will be told that recreational sex is:

1. no big deal

2. their right

3. free of negative consequences

4. something everyone (except dullards and nerds) is doing

5. a quick way to fulfillment

6. the best possible way to get close to another person they're just getting to know

Many parents feel there's no way they can hope to counter these messages. They're wrong. Recent studies show just how much power parents have to influence the actual behavior of their children - positively or negatively.

Steve and Patt Saso, are co-owners of Saso Seminars and Counseling Services, an inspirational organization committed to assisting parents and educations in raising respectful and responsible children.  Steve has been a high school educator and administrator for more then twenty-six years.  As head of the Religion Department at Bellarmine College Prep., in San Jose, California; he listens to teenagers and talks to parents. In an audio tape he outlines five steps parents can take to encourage sexual responsibility. He was talking to parents of high-school freshmen, but you can begin to adapt and apply these steps even when your children are younger.

1. Parents need to be clear about our own values; we need to clearly and unambiguously declare our beliefs about the purpose and meaning of sexuality within relationships. "What values do I hold, what values does my church hold, what values would a wise society hold?" Tell your children.

2. We need to educate ourselves and our children on the harmful effects of early sexual involvement. Some parents fear being seen as puritanical prudes, and thus never acknowledge or communicate that there are real and serious dangers that accompany early sexual involvement. There's an alarming rise in sexually transmitted diseases among adolescents, some of which can lead to infertility or death. Beyond physical dangers, premature sexual involvement often brings about fear of true intimacy, spiritual diminishment, and deep emotional scars that last a lifetime as well. But Saso realizes that warnings alone will not stop kids from giving into sexual pressure. Teens always think, "It won't happen to me." Thus he goes on to his other three points.

3. Parents need to set limits and generate family guidelines that support our kids not becoming sexually active. Set definite rules for when your children can't date, have friends over, attend parties. Monitor what they watch on television and where they go on the internet. This is where being the parent of a teenager takes courage, says Saso. Though setting strict rules may cause no end of argument, on some issues you need to say, "That's simply the rule in our house" and let that be the end of it. Beneath it all, our children want and need clear guidelines to keep them out of harm's way.

4. Hold ongoing conversations about sex, love, marriage, dating, and relationships. Don't let this be a taboo topic in your home and at your table. Adolescents and preadolescents are curious and often confused about the world. Their heads contain an odd mix of information way beyond their ears (thanks to TV talk shows that highlight the aberrant) and naiveté. You can help put this confusing array of information in context by engaging in regular, open conversations. Use the news stories and real events to spur discussions about risky behaviors, the importance of commitment, what you think it takes to make a relationship work, etc. Saso says the daily newspaper or nightly newscast will always provide an opener. Make sure you voice your positive thoughts and not just your disapproval.

5. We need to let our children know that if they make choices that go against our values we will always love and support them. We will help them take responsibility for their choices and be accountable for the consequences. Our love is unconditional.

Written by Tom McGrath:  Bringing Religion Home, February 1998, Claretian Publication Chicago, Illinois

This and other audio workshops for parents are available from Saso Seminars.  See Parenting Tools for more information. 

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